<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>it was over (so we started) by sapphicsrlit</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24536494">it was over (so we started)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicsrlit/pseuds/sapphicsrlit'>sapphicsrlit</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Suits (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:28:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,540</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24536494</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicsrlit/pseuds/sapphicsrlit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Harvey tears her resignation letter apart in one smooth, final movement and hands it to her, letting the action speak for itself. Alternative take. Set in 7x13.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Donna Paulsen/Harvey Specter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>it was over (so we started)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>it was over (so we started)</p>
<p>.</p>
<p>
  <em>would you open your eyes</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>when you said so</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>would you open your eyes</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>it was over</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>.</em>
</p>
<p>He tears her resignation letter apart in one smooth, final movement and hands it to her wordlessly, letting the action speak for itself.</p>
<p>"Are you sure?" she says, disbelief and doubt coating her timid voice.</p>
<p>"I am."</p>
<p>He looks at her, disarmed by their reality; her lack of insanely high stilettos fitting in a cruel way that neither of them is used to. Dressed in black, like she often has been recently, she looks like she's in mourning. Wet lashes frame her kohl rimmed eyes and he feels a mixture of fear and terror ripple through his body upon realising the cliffs and breaking points his actions have brought her to.</p>
<p>"Does she know?"</p>
<p>"She does," he confirms. "It's over." <em>Just like that. </em>In the end, when it came down to it, the decision had been easy.</p>
<p>"Are you okay?"</p>
<p>Her worried voice catches him off guard, the question striking him as odd considering that the last time he saw her he told her he didn't see any other way out of this predicament than for her to resign. She's made a habit of putting his needs above her own, he knows that, and maybe Paula wasn't wrong when she told him that he secretly liked it.</p>
<p>The whole point of him coming here and tearing her resignation letter apart was to show her that he can't be him without her. He lost sight of what she truly means to him amid all the chaos, and the way she looks at him now, caring and unwavering, makes the guilt sit heavy in his chest.</p>
<p>He is undeserving of her infinite goodness and he should never have questioned her judgement or accused her of being selfish in the first place, but he had been <em>so </em>angry with her for damaging his relationship that he never stopped to wonder if that was what he wanted, to hurt her. It had been the beginning of the end when Paula made him realise that putting her private needs above Donna's career was something he could ever do. He thought moving on with Paula was what he wanted, until he realised that letting Donna go meant she would <em>never</em> be a part of his life again. That he would have to give her up for a future with Paula.</p>
<p>And that's when he snapped.</p>
<p>"Will you come back?" he asks. It's the only thing that matters now.</p>
<p>"Harvey..." She takes a step back instinctively, crossing her arms over her chest defensively. "Why are you doing this?" she asks warily.</p>
<p>He hates the way it feels to see her distance herself from him, no matter how minute, and it shows that she holds far more power over him than he was ever aware of before. Donna probably doesn't realise it either, the surprise of him being here instead of at Paula's is written all over her face, making him regret ever giving her a reason to doubt his loyalty to her.</p>
<p>He struggles to find the right words. So he settles on common ground as a starting point. "I should never have gone to Stu," he says.</p>
<p>She nods, but her hand reaches for the door handle like she knows the conversation will be over soon. "No, you shouldn't have."</p>
<p>"I had to try at least."</p>
<p>"Try what?" she questions, an emotion he can't identify flaring up in her eyes.</p>
<p>"<em>I just had to know...</em> if I could make things work with Paula without you there," he admits, shoulders slumping in disappointment at his own foolishness. "I had to try," he repeats, because it had been the only way forward and into a future where he wasn't dependent on Donna. Paula had been right about that too, only… he couldn't.</p>
<p>When he saw that Donna was gone for good, that's when reality hit. The wave of emotion that carried him all the way to her doorstep tonight is still sizzling somewhere low in his spine and his fingertips.</p>
<p>"<em>Wow.</em>" Her face stays devoid of any emotion save for the light but repeated twitch of her left eye, unconsciously giving away the truth.</p>
<p>"But I <em>couldn't</em>," he admits, his lungs stealing a breath in the words, something harsh yet primal in the back of his throat. "I could never do that to you."</p>
<p>"You mean <em>you</em>," she corrects. "You couldn't do that to yourself and that's precisely why you're here tonight. This isn't about me. It's about you, it <em>always </em>is," she accuses, her words cutting right through him.</p>
<p>"You know I care about you." He defends himself instinctively but the moment he says it he knows it was the wrong thing to say. She looks at him. Somehow it's easier to read her when she's angry, furious even, and he can see the cogs turning in her head, weighing her options. Her blazing eyes convey everything she doesn't say when she takes a step back and tries to shut the door forcefully, finally fed up with his bullshit.</p>
<p>He doesn't think, his foot wedging itself between the door and the threshold of her apartment before she can slam it shut.</p>
<p>"Donna," he says, and it's only just above a whisper, and he's never heard himself say anything that came this close to begging for one more chance before. "Look, you accused me of not being there for you, and you were right. I keep you at arm's length but I can't let you go. I know that now and I won't ever make you question it again."</p>
<p>"That's exactly it. I couldn't see it before but I do now." She laughs mirthlessly, letting go of the door. "Our codependency isn't healthy, Harvey, and Paula saw right through it."</p>
<p>They've been joined by the hip for as long as they have known each other, nurturing and growing with each other but never learning how to live without the other. And despite of it, or maybe because of it, they used to work well as one entity at work.</p>
<p>"That's not true. We're a team," he says, flexing his jaw in a feeble attempt to work out the tension that is weighing him down.</p>
<p>They used to choose each other without second thought. For over a decade, they've both been the centre of attention to each other. Before conversations like <em>you know I love you </em>and <em>love me how </em>happened<em>, </em>before mistakes and lies like <em>I just had to know</em> and <em>I didn't feel anything when I kissed you </em>made their mark on their friendship<em>,</em> and before ultimatums like <em>Paula doesn't think we'd survive if you and I keep working together </em>and <em>why didn't you stand up for me </em>destroyed them.</p>
<p>"We used to be. But a lot has happened since then, Harvey, and we've grown apart." She tilts her head, willing him to see the truth in her words. Although they've tried to base their friendship on honesty and clarity, they have been playing in muddy waters for a long time and it irks him that she's right. How did he let it get this far? How did he lose sight of how much Donna means to him? "It's high time we accepted that, go back to Paula, be happy," she whispers, smiling sadly.</p>
<p>He shakes his head, her selflessness baffling. "I'm here because <em>I chose you </em>and I want you back."</p>
<p>She erupts then. "No, you didn't choose me! <em>I left you, Harvey,</em> and now you're here moping around because you can't handle the consequences of your own actions." The words ring in his ears, high and unbearably loud, like a siren in the night, and he takes a step back, her proximity overwhelming all of a sudden. <em>Donna is right. Fuck. </em>It's sobering, lifts the fog in his head and when he looks at her, she's still standing there, looking at him with a barely concealed pain in her eyes. Or was it bitterness?</p>
<p>"I don't want to live in a world without you in it," he says stubbornly. "I made a mistake, a big one, but I came here to fix it. Please come back to the firm."</p>
<p>She chews her lip for a moment before saying, "I'm sorry. I can't." The words are harsh and final. They hit him like a brick wall and his head starts throbbing. But there's that look in her eyes again like she's giving him space to work through his emotions, putting him first <em>but she doesn't seem to get it</em>.</p>
<p>He just needs her to come back.</p>
<p>"What do you want?" he asks, desperate to fix things.</p>
<p>"I want you to say you're sorry!" She shouts, the words breaking out of her in a broken sob, exasperated and at the end of her rope.</p>
<p>All the pieces fall in unison, one by one, like a loose pack of cards. He still hasn't apologised. He said he wanted her back but he hasn't apologised for his actions. An explanation isn't good enough. It's only then that he realises that this doesn't fix anything. Doesn't bring Donna back. Because who would she be to go back to a man who didn't only betray her personally but professionally as well?</p>
<p>"<em>Donna</em>," he says, taking a breath, "I'm <em>so</em> sorry. Making you leave wasn't fair. I thought I was doing the right thing but obviously I wasn't because you got hurt in the process."</p>
<p>Rooted to the spot, she watches him with guarded eyes, "You don't get it at all, do you?" she asks then, huffing, not letting him get off that easily.</p>
<p>He stares at her perplexed, aware that she can read him, but he's looking into her eyes and he's completely lost.</p>
<p>"I'll tell you why," she says, sounding annoyed that she has to explain her feelings to him, like he should know already.</p>
<p>"You chose a relationship over my job, my <em>actual job</em>, because of a personal mistake that I made which I, by the way, apologised for, to you <em>and</em> her," she says, stepping closer until her breath hits his face, warm and hard. "And taking your little dilemma to Stu <em>behind my back </em>to manipulate me into resigning because you didn't have the balls to fire me yourself wasn't only a betrayal of someone who stood by your side for 13 years, but a professional one as well because you know damn well that I <em>deserved</em> to keep the title I have worked my <em>whole life </em>to earn," she says, her voice thick. Her eyes glaze over then and he stands frozen. "That's what you should be sorry about," she finishes, shrugging, eyes rising to the ceiling, chin tilting to avoid spilling the tears that are leaning precariously on her eyelashes.</p>
<p>The repercussions of his selfish actions hit him all at once, so painfully obvious now that she's pointed them out. She's always been good at that, calling him out on his mistakes. But this time she looks absolutely devastated, like she never thought he would consider putting a relationship over her career, <em>ever</em>. That's the one thing they <em>never </em>did. They always chose each other when it came down to it, and he thought that he had. But Donna is right. He only chose her after she was gone and reality hit. He hadn't stopped to consider that he was about to let personal matters affect her professional life.</p>
<p>He feels his breath catch, his heart thrumming against his lungs like they're fighting for the same space. The confinement of his tie is unbearable and he pulls on it until it loosens, trying with all his might to reign in the panic and threads of thoughts that would inevitably lead him to have a panic attack.</p>
<p>"Donna," he whispers roughly. "I fucked up… I didn't think about you when I really should have. I was wrong to say that you put me in this position. You didn't. It was Paula. And I didn't want to fuck up with her the way I fuck up with everyone else. So I didn't let myself think about you, because it felt like I was choosing you and not her. And I couldn't choose you. But… I can't lose you."</p>
<p>She looks at him wide-eyed, shaking her head slightly, and he almost reaches out to her but thinks better of it. "You always come first," he continues with a tenderness he hadn't shown yet. "Maybe I had to learn this lesson the hard way… but that doesn't make it any less true. You're a part of me, Donna, and I think I'm a part of you too… And I can't just cut you out of me like that."</p>
<p>"You think I'm a part of you?" she asks, disbelief colouring her quivering voice.</p>
<p>He can see the effect his words have on her, the way she wants to soak up the truth of them like she's starved for it, but something is holding her back. She blinks, and the tears start falling, gravity finally getting the better of them.</p>
<p>"You always have been, from the moment we met. And I won't <em>ever</em> hurt or betray you like that again," he promises, pouring every ounce of conviction he possesses into the words.</p>
<p>When he told her, years ago, that he can't be him without her, he meant it, and he still does now. Donna shouldn't have had to question it. The notion makes his chest feel uncomfortably tight again, but he is determined to gain her trust and friendship back.</p>
<p>Donna's throat works against a swallow and her eyes flicker to somewhere over his shoulder, like she's contemplating if this is enough for her.</p>
<p>He holds his breath.</p>
<p>"Okay." She gives him a small smile, the first one in... he doesn't even remember the last time he saw her smile for him, and it's beautiful. She's beautiful.</p>
<p>Donna is still standing dangerously close to him and he swallows against the lump in his throat, blinking as his own eyes grow glassy with relief.</p>
<p>"Good." He reaches out to her, the edge of a finger running over Donna's skin, featherlight pressure, so delicate that it causes a shiver, as he brushes a lonely tear away.</p>
<p>"Good," she replies, her eyes soft and unguarded.</p>
<p>Licking suddenly dry lips, Harvey finds himself staring into Donna's eyes, her pupils slowly expanding. He almost feels like he could drown in them. He <em>could</em> drown in them, he realises, and pulls back to put some distance between them.</p>
<p>Tonight is not the night.</p>
<p>"Will I see you on Monday?" he asks hopefully instead.</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>The tightness in his chest lets up and he nods, feeling the power she has over him, the goodness she always brings out in him, the softness he didn't think he was capable of. He can always count on Donna and he will work on himself to be worthy of it, her, some day.</p>
<p>He starts off, but she calls him back.</p>
<p>"Harvey?"</p>
<p>He turns around.</p>
<p>"Thank you."</p>
<p>.</p>
<p>
  <em>it was over, so we started</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>it was over, so we started</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>although you brought over</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>although you've given out</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>so far</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Comments and criticism are always welcome. Let me know if you liked it! xx</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>